WHERE'S CENTER

 Got soaked in a sudden storm while waiting for the bus, all of us standing in a small river. Many more people waiting than I'd experienced for quite a while and not nearly enough room in the shelter for two thirds of us.  Some fellow on the edge of us was spewing incoherent invective about Trump, Mexicans and Muslims not directed anywhere just yelling.  A Muslim couple were nearby so I moved toward them and became cheerful and chatty, attempting to entertain others with humorous commentary on the state of the world and how some people just get mad and strike out...trying to diffuse the situation though there was no real danger.  A few others joined in the banter and finally the bus arrived.  Miraculously I got a seat though it was packed to way beyond capacity.  More trouble erupted a few stops on when a big woman, accompanied by an even bigger man just flat out refused to move to the back. The two were blocking the front entrance/exit and clearly too aggressive to be influenced.  I felt sorry for the driver who must have felt the stress even more than we all did.  When the woman with a cane who had been sitting next to me had to get out I just stood up like a circus barker and projected "Make a channel please, this woman has to get out."  They did but when It was my turn to get out along with thirty or so others, the big woman lashed out angrily that she was "trying" to exit and "everyone had just better cool it"....fortunately no one engaged her and, once again, there was no real danger.  However it made me realize how crowd violence happens, how panic and one angry person can cause a stampede.
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Then I was at the Zendo

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All the way home I was turning over the interview with my Zen teacher.  I was talking to him about my newly diagnosed chronic condition and the dietary changes I've been forced to make.  He had asked, "Are you depressed?"  I paused to consider, then replied "No, not really".....then, as I folded into the evening rush crowd, I began to wonder if I was indeed depressed and simply in denial.  I wondered what would have changed had I said yes...would I have shared all the things I was thinking as I walked...about how most of my life is behind me, about the facts of living so marginally sometimes presenting seemingly dangerous problems.  Would my practice have become more dedicated and sincere, or would I have suddenly radically corrected my inclination to drift away into old habits or just rest in my comfort zone?  I was interrupted by a man needing directions to the subway, then a few more steps and another man needed money for food but I had none so just gave him what I did have, interest in listening to his story.  He wanted to tell me how he lost his food card and how long it would take to get it replaced.  I told him I understood since I'd just lost mine too and was waiting for it to return tomorrow.  We blessed each other in parting.  In moments when I'm interacting I'm no longer alone, but I'm still at the center of my perception even when I'm including a single other, or many others. So where's center?  Could it be that there's no center at all in the larger picture, that center is merely an observation point, the dot before it moves?
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Grace brought that topic up in her blog post tonight, and I'm still thinking about it:
Windthread
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