Tuesday, March 18, 2014

AVERAGE ANXIETY



Here in a very quiet apartment at three in the morning three flights up.  I'm anxious, exhausted, the clock is ticking, a tap dripping.  Now and then the swoosh of traffic far away, and a low hum of electricity, while something on 'mute' plays across the room so when I look up, there are people here with me.
Synapses crackling, this old brain is shooting off too much concern about the stove installation, the super, the workers who will arrive at some unspecified.

Fear

Yes, it's the same super who went off on me about letting him take my A/C out.  They want him to clean out dove nests...there are no 'nests' but there is a peeper on a ledge somewhere near.  For a week now.  It takes 36 days from hatch to  flight.  Don't even know if they (building managers) plan to install spikes, but worried about the peeper, and about my A/C, once professionally installed, and I don't trust these guys to handle it well, though probably I should.  I have to stall for time  The stove exchange is enough for this month, and will involve taking my apartment door off.  I don't trust that my Medico lock will be set back right.  I feel invaded.  If I could hire my own workers, if I owned anything, would I feel better?  No.  Perhaps not.  I don't feel okay about my self.  That's the bottom line.  I'm feeling like I'm being treated; like a liability, a burden, and that I have no inalienable right to be here.  I feel out of place in the world.  I am out of place.  I'm the past with not much future.  Anxious thoughts run wild.  The new fad in education is teaching kids grit.  I could use some of that.  Jury duty freaks me too, having to be somewhere on time freaks me, mornings freak me.  I don't want to go downtown at all ever since 9/11.  Court reminds me of landlord tenant past traumas, fighting for my home, and the assault of Mr. Daniel Cuervo, attack front-man posing as a new tenant back then, and The Vendome clan moving in and taking over, first our community garden, next apartments one at a time.  It was a hell each entanglement reminds me of.  I do my best to stay untangled, but sometimes I just plain need their help.

Wait.

By serendipity and the grace of unknown and known entities I am still here  So, why not just be grateful?  The world is a fearful place without friends.  The world is a fearsome place in any case.  All things are potentially dangerous.  Experience has shown me this.  I have to detach, or as Michael B. said, "Elvis is an idiot, and will barrel in here and make a mess and you'll have a new stove.  Everything depends on how you take it. Let it roll off your back."

Okay.

 Make me wise before I wake.


3 comments:

deemallon said...

Hope that it goes well. It IS an invasion, whether owned, reacted to, welcomed, well-timed, or no. I wish you the serenity of at least being able to have your feelings.

yvette said...

o sweetie..yes creepy, strangers in the house
feeling alone
alone in a cruel world and afraid
9 11 afraid
i forget sometimes how it must be for you in ny after it
how deep the scars must be
thank you for your confidence to show your feelings

maybe when i write this it done
always mixed up time difference
be back to see how you are later

grace Forrest~Maestas said...

Michelle, this might sound just
terrible?, i don't know, but

i'm thinking now of everything
as Practice for the Bardo

this is a HUGE opportunity for that